Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
