if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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