dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
