Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize