I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize