oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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