wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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