Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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