pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
