There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
