i don't like sucking hair
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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