hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
