I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just found a bag of teeth...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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