Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
this boner is exhausting
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
