I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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