I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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