omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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