I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
