Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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