I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
