I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
