between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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