Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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