im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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