Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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