Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize