well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
