i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
