i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
