Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
