So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's Friday. Sex?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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