Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
