Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
