Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
