i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
