I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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