Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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