i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
