Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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