The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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