Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I believe in your delicious
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
