New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize