look no pants
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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