She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No subtext here. People are naked.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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