i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
