She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
