Your dad touched me again.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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