Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
