so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
