I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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