Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
