She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
