why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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