you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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