I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
